Dashing Dad After Dark: One-Time Request, Can It Save Your Relationship?

Submission: "If my wife doesn't give me oral ever and it's a need and she knows this, but it's dumb to divorce over that. Can I just get it one time?"

Before diving into this topic it's important to note that approximately 85% of my followers are women. So when this comment was posted my dms were FLOODED with comments and they all had a similar theme: fuck this guy!

Now, I know this is a sensitive topic, but I think it's important to dive into it because I don't think we're really talking about oral sex here. I can see how this could be a source of frustration. The consensus from my followers, with 82% of you, was that this isn’t okay, while I agree, let’s dive deeper into this because I think this is a lot bigger than the space we’ve given it. This question brings us to an uncomfortable but crucial topic: the complexity of intimacy and unmet needs in relationships. 

So, can a one-time request fix everything? It’s not a simple yes or no, and here’s why.

On the one hand, there are those who might think, “Sure, a one-time thing doesn’t seem like such a big deal.” One DM I received stated:

"I absolutely hate when men take this approach to sex; it’s so obvious they believe women are here to service them."

And honestly, that perspective is important to consider. Sex and intimacy aren’t just transactional; they’re about connection, trust, and mutual respect. Expecting a partner to fulfill your needs without understanding their feelings can create tension and resentment.

So, let's unpack this. First off, I get that it can be tough when your partner isn’t meeting your needs— whether they're physical, emotional, or otherwise. Sometimes, intimacy can represent more than just physical pleasure; it can be about feeling desired, valued, or emotionally connected to your partner. While the request may center on a sexual need, it often touches on deeper feelings of being disregarded or unimportant in the relationship. When intimacy isn’t reciprocated, it can create a sense of imbalance and emotional distance. 

Taking a step back to reflect on what you’re truly craving can open up new avenues for understanding. Are there other ways to cultivate that feeling of connection—like spending quality time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, or exploring new activities as a couple? Identifying these emotions can help reshape the conversation around intimacy and make it less about the act itself and more about the connection you’re longing for. However, if it’s just about the act – that’s okay too. 

Communication is key here. It’s time to have a bigger conversation with your partner about intimacy.

Instead of approaching it with an “I need this” mindset, try to frame it as a “Let’s explore this together” situation.

You mentioned that this is a recurring issue in your relationship. It’s essential to consider the bigger picture. If there’s a history of intimacy issues, it’s worth diving deeper into why that is. Is there something else going on that’s affecting your partner's willingness or ability to engage in certain acts? Understanding the “why” behind your partner’s stance can help both of you explore potential solutions together.

If your partner is not open to exploring your needs, you might have to grapple with the idea of radical acceptance. It’s not about giving up on your needs but recognizing that sometimes, people may not be able or willing to meet those needs. It’s important to evaluate whether this is a dealbreaker for you. If you can’t find a way to navigate this together, it may be time to reassess the relationship and what you want moving forward. Harbouring resentment isn’t healthy for anyone, and it can lead to deeper issues down the line.

It’s crucial to approach this topic with empathy for your partner. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being used or pressured into something they’re uncomfortable with. Make sure to validate their feelings, and be open to discussing their concerns. It’s about building a partnership where both individuals feel valued and appreciated. Remember, we all have needs, and it’s about finding a balance that works for both partners. So, if you’re feeling stuck, take the time to have that heartfelt conversation. You might find a solution together that you never expected.

Ultimately, going elsewhere for one-time oral, with or without your partner's consent, isn't going to fix a deeper underlying issue.

Can a one-time request save your relationship? Thse real answer lies in the ability to communicate openly, understand each other's perspectives, and navigate the complexities of intimacy together. If both partners are willing to explore these topics with respect and empathy, there’s a path forward. If not, it may be time to evaluate whether this relationship aligns with your needs and values.

What do you think? Have you navigated similar situations in your own relationships? Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments!

Matt

Dashing Dad After Dark is a special segment on my Instagram stories where we dive deep into your anonymous questions, rants, and stories. If you haven't yet, check out the latest highlights on my Instagram to get a taste of what this is all about.

The beauty and curse of Instagram is its brevity. While it's perfect for quick exchanges, it often leaves much to be explored. That's why I've decided to bring some of these discussions here to the blog, where we can delve deeper into your submissions and offer more comprehensive advice. As always, your feedback is welcomed in the comments!